I fell off the wagon a while ago, and now I want to lose weight again. I am sick and tired of how I look. And how much confidence I don't have because of my body image. I want to get to 110 pounds. I want to wear a bikini and feel sexy. I don't think I ever have.

At the gym today I was working out with my boyfriend. And naturally at the gym there will be some really fit girls. Ones with long, skinny, perfect legs. There midsection is shaped just right, no fat or anything. They look how I want to look. And I get this huge sadness inside of myself. I don't show it but, I am just so sad, and always think my boyfriend may be looking at them even subconsiously. And I always tell myself that I deserve it, since I could watch things a little more closely and be skinny.

I am tired of feeling that way. I want to feel like the skinniest girl in the room or not have a fear that I don't look attractive enough to keep my boyfriends attention at all times.

I may be delusional. He might not even be looking. But that isn't the point. The point is that I want to have no doubts about myself. I want to look and feel good. I feel good about my intellectual side. But on the outside I do not like what I see at all. It really kills me.

I'm going to try to hide it from everyone as long as I can. I want to feel good this summer and go swimming. It's been so long since I have done that.

If anyone wants to talk just message me. I want to find a few blogs again to check up on and vice versa. It was nice talking with a couple people that were on the same page, and supportive.

Alright take care everyone, and good luck.

-Ivy