I fell off the wagon a while ago, and now I want to lose weight again. I am sick and tired of how I look. And how much confidence I don't have because of my body image. I want to get to 110 pounds. I want to wear a bikini and feel sexy. I don't think I ever have.

At the gym today I was working out with my boyfriend. And naturally at the gym there will be some really fit girls. Ones with long, skinny, perfect legs. There midsection is shaped just right, no fat or anything. They look how I want to look. And I get this huge sadness inside of myself. I don't show it but, I am just so sad, and always think my boyfriend may be looking at them even subconsiously. And I always tell myself that I deserve it, since I could watch things a little more closely and be skinny.

I am tired of feeling that way. I want to feel like the skinniest girl in the room or not have a fear that I don't look attractive enough to keep my boyfriends attention at all times.

I may be delusional. He might not even be looking. But that isn't the point. The point is that I want to have no doubts about myself. I want to look and feel good. I feel good about my intellectual side. But on the outside I do not like what I see at all. It really kills me.

I'm going to try to hide it from everyone as long as I can. I want to feel good this summer and go swimming. It's been so long since I have done that.

If anyone wants to talk just message me. I want to find a few blogs again to check up on and vice versa. It was nice talking with a couple people that were on the same page, and supportive.

Alright take care everyone, and good luck.

-Ivy

Day 11: Almost Halfway

A couple more pounds and I'll be halfway to my goal. I only ate one small eggroll yesterday, three crackers with cheese, and a couple chips with guacamole. Our class had this potluck thing after the final, so I ate a bit of the food then left. I felt full after all that.

Today is my works Christmas party. I made mango salsa and chips to bring. I know I'll eat a little there too, but not much. Then maybe I'll have a salad later since I've been doing well...

I don't have anything to do for the rest of the day so I'm going to go work out, then finish this art thing I'm working on. I'm glad I'm still within the time frame of my goal. Each week my aim was to lose 4 pounds. So I'm already ahead, the last couple weeks will be harder I'm sure since I lost water in the beginning so it was easier.

I don't know, hopefully this is working. I don't want to reach 110 and look in the mirror and not see a difference. It makes me happy seeing the number go down, but I'm not so sure when I look in the mirror...

so happy finals are over, and break is here.

-under the ivy.

Day 10: Getting Back in Full Control

Been a bad 3 days. That's all I want to say. Didn't eat too much today. I had one meat ball, and a cracker and cheese. Then 2 samples at Costco haha... And a cup of coffee. Felt like I fell off and didn't want to get back up. But I really want to be back in control. I gained one pound back, so it's not completely a lost cause. I will weigh myself in the morning. Hopefully a small change. I plan to fast all day tomorrow.

Then there is a Christmas party at my work on Thursday. Ahg, food there too. Just going to say I am not hungry.

Holidays are surrounded with food. :(

-under the ivy.

Stress and Food. Day 7

GAH I feel so bad for yesterday. I ate a lot. :(:(:(:(:( I had like 1/4 cup of a smoothie, a cup of veggie soup. Then for lunch I had a chicken avocado sandwich and a side salad. Then I got home and went nuts and had an oatmeal raisin cookie, popcorn, and like 3 drinks of soda before I felt really sick so I threw it away. My boyfriend and I had a fight, and he wouldn't come home for like 2 days. So I was stressed out, and when I get stressed, I go to food. I've found that out ever since I can remember. But today is a new day and I'm not going to eat at ALL.

I can't believe how sick I felt after eating all that. I used to binge all the time. It feels horrible, why would I do it all the time? Food tastes good but not when it makes your stomach so full it hurts.

Anyways. Today is a new dayyy I keep telling myself. So I'll blog later tonight perhaps. I can do it... I got to.

-under the ivy.

1/4 of the way there: Day 5

So I weight 125 now. IIIII am thinking I have to be careful because I am always worried about water weight! I don't want to get to excited. I mean. I know I must be losing some fat because my face looks thinner. In the way that I used to have some extra fat under my chin and that area and it isn't there anymore. My pants feel a little loser, but my thighs feel the same in them :. So I think once I get half way to my goal, I will be more excited because I think more of it will be fat.

I had an orange today and that's it. I still have to work out before I go to bed.

Not much else going on, I have been home alone today just doing some art. I probably will post it when it's finished. The dance recital went well, I always get more into it when I'm actually performing.

I think I'll start tanning next week, so when I go to Florida I won't burn. Hopefully I reach my goal, or else I'll feel really horrible being on the beach...

More like beached-whale.

I find it's easier to resist food after a couple days, it isn't as agonizing. But then again I haven't been at work. Where all the temptations are... I have to go back tomorrow. Maybe I'll have something really light to eat. I'm still on the eat one meal one day, then the next only allowed to have water and one piece of fruit plan. I tried not eating anything on the second day but I feel I just can't do it. I absolutely have no energy if I don't at least have one piece of fruit. I usually eat it when I start feeling queasey and light headed.

Maybe I just need to be stronger and cut it out. Hm.

-under the ivy.

day 4: almost passed out but still losing it

So last night I ended up eating only 25 calories. I wanted it to be a food free day but I needed a little something to put me at ease. I was quite light headed. I drank a ton of water but that wasn't helping.

Anyways, I was sad about it. I fell asleep, woke up in the morning and I don't know what happened. I jumped in the shower really quick because I had to go to class. My stomach felt upset, I felt like I was going to throw up, even though I didn't have anything in my stomach... I started washing my hair and could barely lift my arms. About 1 minute into the shower I just jumped out and collapsed to the floor. Things were looking grey and my head was light, my body was shakey, and I started hyper ventilating.

I think I just woke up too fast on little energy. Thing is, my boyfriend came in, and I just told him ahh I need some water please. My stomach is upset.

He gave me water and then I felt a little better, and I ate one apple.

I got to school and drank some tea. I almost fell asleep in class. I have been reading about other girls fasting and how it makes them tired. I only slept 7 hours last night, so I'm guessing I should allow for more time to sleep and recharge so I don't feel that way often.

Anyways, I bought this chicken buffalo wrap at school, and took a few bites and noticed blue cheese was in it!! I hate blue cheese. I tried peeling it out of it. Then I realized I didn't even look at the wrapper to see how many calories it was, and it was 700! So I ate about half of it. I didn't eat all the tortilla part, I ate some chicken from the inside of it but not all of it then threw it away. Hopefully I think I only ate like 300 calories of it, then that apple this morning. I think that is all I'm going to eat today. Maybe a piece of fruit before our dance performance for our modern dance class. Just so I can have a little energy.

After that, no class for about 3 weeks. Which I can really focus on the weight loss then. And have lots of days to sleep in if I feel the need. Fasting is the easiest when you are sleeping, hours go by and you are still burning calories. Although it's less then when you're awake, but no hunger pangs and being light headed during however many hours is nice, and keeps me from eating.

I feel bad about the food I ate today. But I take it as learning not to get up so fast or allow for more sleeping time.

When I weight myself this morning the scale said 126. I don't know how much it will say now though after that food. :|

I'm not giving up.

Thrid day-Going well so far :)

So today I weighed myself and the scale said 127. I am not sure about it though. Honestly, the one I have is a cheap scale, what if it's lying? There is one here at the college in the locker room that actually has the weights you move up and down on the bar, so it's really accurate. I am going to go check really soon since I have to pass it to get to my class this evening. I am guessing though at this point, at my 3rd day, that it is probably water weight and maybe by the end of the week it'll actually be fat. I guess I am kind of impatient. Who doesn't want to see results ? But regardless, it's 3 pounds less than what it was, and I am happy for that.

I haven't eaten a single thing today, I have been drinking lots of tea. I added a packet of this vitamin C stuff to it also. I almost ate something today, since I work at a cafe doing mostly coffee and making crepes. There is always baked stuff around me as well, but I just thought, "Okay when I get to the weight I want to get to, it's still going to be there. The food isn't going to disappear off the planet." So I didn't eat. That post I read on Michelle's blog really helped. It is amazing what a few inspiring words can accomplish.

I hope to make it the rest of the night. That means in 3 days I would've only eaten a tangerine, and a bowl of white rice with chicken on top. I'm guessing that's only about 700-800 calories in 3 days, instead of my needed5,400. I guess I just like to see the numbers contrasted on the screen, it gets me motivated, and this blog is making it so much easier to stay on track,

as well as the friends I've made on here. I am very thankful for their support.



I like to dance a lot, and I take dancing lessons and have seen a lot of performances as well. I just love how some of the dancers are so long and slender. They look so graceful and light. I watched a video of a performance I did a couple years back when I was at my old dance studio I used to go to when I lived with my parents and I was sad. I just didn't see that image in myself, I want to be slender and graceful. I am going to try out for this thing the college does every spring, a spring show of different choreography and students. 40 people get picked out of however many try out in the whole school plus anyone else outside the school that tries out for it. I think I could make it, well I'm going to try at least. I'll probably eat a little before so I don't feel so light headed. I noticed in dance class my balance gets way off if I don't eat. And I don't want people to notice that.

Well I suppose I should get working on my paper now, that'll distract me even more. I can't wait for Christmas Break, to just take some photos with my film camera (I love photography,) listen to music and do some art, and drink a lot of water of course haha.

What does everyone else do for hobbies?

-under the ivy.

I hope I make it and I hope I am much thinner by mid January.